Set Out Running by tebtosca for <user site="livejournal.com" us

[springflingmod.livejournal.com]

Title: Set Out Running
Pairing: Sam/Jensen
Rating: R



Sam hits a dog, but it's never really about that.

After the vet stops yelling at him, he asks Sam why he's staring.

The name tag on the vet's white coat says "Dr. Ackles" but all Sam knows is this man is wearing his brother's face.

The vet places the dog in Sam's arms. Up close like this, Sam can see the shadow of every freckle. Sees the line of them across the bridge of the vet's nose, but also sees where they stop whereas Dean's continue across the tops of his cheeks like the stroke of a paintbrush.

So not Sam's brother's face at all, and yet.

Sam holds the dog but doesn't stop staring.

==

Jensen likes tequila and strawberry jelly beans and celery sticks slathered in peanut butter. He drives an old Hyundai with a radio tuned to 80s synth rock and wears pale pink button ups under his white vet coat.

There are no salt lines in his path.

No, not Sam's brother at all, and yet.

==

Sam spends seventy-four days, sixteen hours, and twenty-seven minutes in his dead brother's car with his palms over the echo of handprints on his dead brother's steering wheel.

He hits a dog and sees a missing swath of freckles that make him take his hands off that wheel.

After Dr. Ackles stops yelling and Sam stops staring, the words leave Sam's mouth unbidden.

"Have dinner with me tomorrow."

==

"I'm not really good at this relationship thing," Jensen says, sipping his Merlot as he looks at Sam over the light of a candle melting red into the table.

My brother is dead and I am alone but you look so much like him that you make my soul ache, is what Sam thinks in reply.

"I understand," are the words that come out of Sam's mouth instead.

Jensen puts the wineglass down and takes Sam's hand in his. His fingers are smooth and graceful and not calloused at all.

"I think you just might, Sam. I think you just might."

==

Sam tries to stop thinking, and it almost works.

In the soft moonlight of the bedroom, Sam explores the slope of Jensen's back with his eyes. Freckles across the sharpness of shoulder blades, pale skin covering the staccato dips of vertebrae.

No scars, at least not on the outside.

"Hey, babe," Jensen will awaken later, face slack and skin warm with sleep. He'll smile a lazy smile, full pink mouth curling up at the edges in greeting.

He'll slink down Sam's body and put the full pink mouth around Sam's cock, suckling and tonguing and pulling deep into his throat until Sam wraps his hands around his head just to have something to cling to as he falls into the abyss.

The full pink mouth is not Sam's brother's mouth, and yet.

==

The "relationship thing" takes the shape of Jensen's high school sweetheart. His name is Matt and he has bright blue eyes and dog tags around his neck and shrapnel in his leg from war.

Sam respects veterans and all they've seen. Thinks about grizzled faces and the end of a bottle and the sweat-dampened sheets from fire-tinged terror.

He thinks about Dean.

When that happens, he can no longer look at the face that is not his brother's face, and he gets in the car to start the interrupted twenty-eighth minute of the seventy-fourth day in the sixteenth hour.

Jensen's arms are already wrapping around the love that he lost, even as Sam drives with the ghost of his own.

==

Dean comes back to him, the echo of handprints on the steering wheel no longer an echo at all.

"Did you even look for me, Sam?"

For seventy-four days, sixteen hours, and twenty-seven minutes, I ached for you. In every moment after, I ache for you still, is what Sam thinks in reply.

"I hit a dog," are the words that come out of Sam's mouth instead.

"Was there a girl?"

Sam thinks of strawberry jelly beans and freckled shoulder blades and full pink mouths in the hazy blush of daybreak. Thinks of his brother's face that was not his face but was the only face that Sam had left. The face Sam's brother will never be able to understand or forgive.

"You left me to die for a girl."

And yet.

Comments

[cassiopeia7.livejournal.com]

This is a most lovely "fix" for Sam's misadventures in S8, but OMG, poor Sam. :(

"Was there a girl?"

Sam thinks of strawberry jelly beans and freckled shoulder blades and full pink mouths in the hazy blush of daybreak. Thinks of his brother's face that was not his face but was the only face that Sam had left.

Thanks for breaking my heart, mystery!writer. ♥ Brava!

[marciaelena.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love this. So beautiful and so painful. Of course the show wouldn't give this to us, but it makes so much more sense than Amelia ever did. In my heart Sam never stopped yearning for his brother and you put that perfectly into words.

[wings128.livejournal.com]

This is a beautiful read!♥
Such fragility, such intricate weaving of canon and emotions so intense they barely brush our understanding.
Fantastic job!

[jalu2.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful. It made sense, most importantly, and the writing is lovely and painful all in one.

[tifaching.livejournal.com]

Oh, this made me ache for Sam. Such gorgeous writing.

[amypond45.livejournal.com]

I love that you give us "Jensen" as the guy, so we know exactly what he looks like. Poor, poor Sam!

[sophiap.livejournal.com]

Ohhhh.... OW. This is brilliant. Poor, poor Sam.

[big-heart-june.livejournal.com]

oh my lovely lovely author *holds out heart* i don't even know what to say to you...this just blew me away...soo gorgeous, soo beautiful, soo heartbreaking and beautifully worded. i'm in awe ♥

[zubeneschamali.livejournal.com]

So much better than canon!

[vyperdd.livejournal.com]

So sad! I want to hug Sam and slap Dean for being.... well ... Dean.

Well done for making me cry!!

[cherie-morte.livejournal.com]

*throws self against the wall repeatedly* DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO ME THAT THIS FIC EXISTS???? I MEAN, DO YOU EVEN CARE WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO MY FRAGILE SANITY BY WRITING A THING LIKE THIS?????

Sam/Jensen is one of my favorite ships and there is SUCH A TRAGIC LACK OF IT IN THIS WORLD. And it's EXACTLY FOR THIS REASON. Sam finding Jensen when Dean is dead and not being able to walk away from the illusion, even as he hates himself for it and knows he's doing wrong by Jensen. Good lord, man. This is exactly it. This is the emotion porn I get out of bed for.

CATALOGING THE THINGS ABOUT POOR JENSEN THAT ARE WRONG AND STILL. *drags self across asphalt* this was so rude

GOD JESUS FUCK AND TO DO IT AT THIS POINT IN CANON. AND BRINGING BACK THE RUBY 2.0 "SHE SAID WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE" SAM LATCHING ONTO A REPLACEMENT DEAN STYLE OF COPING WITH LOSS. It makes so much more sense than Amelia and is so perfect and who fucking even gave you the right???????

AND THEN DEAN AT THE END. AND SAM NOT KNOWING HOW TO EXPLAIN TO HIM. Which I very much believe to this day is what actually happened with Sam that summer in canon, and he just didn't know how to say it to Dean so he said all the stupid shitty writing they gave him instead.

ANYWAY, MY POINT IS THIS IS PERFECT AND YOU ARE PERFECT AND it was nice being alive but I think I am quite done for now.

[skeletncloset.livejournal.com]

Jensen likes tequila and strawberry jelly beans and celery sticks slathered in peanut butter. He drives an old Hyundai with a radio tuned to 80s synth rock and wears pale pink button ups under his white vet coat.

omg. omg. I just can't with the image. Definitely not Dean and this is EXACTLY how season 8 should have gone.

[annie46.livejournal.com]

This was lovely and I want to thank you for writing it for me. It had a wonderful, bittersweet feeling to it and I could believe every single word. Sam/Amelia never did it for me because it didn't make sense but your version - your version makes perfect sense. Of course Sam would stay with someone who wore his brother's face. The sex was other worldly too and so hot!

And then when Dean came back and Sam couldn't tell him - ooh sob - so perfect and so wonderful.

Thank you again for this - it was just what I wanted and - oh how I wish it could be canon!

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

When that happens, he can no longer look at the face that is not his brother's face, and he gets in the car to start the interrupted twenty-eighth minute of the seventy-fourth day in the sixteenth hour.

Totally fell apart at that bit and I'm not even embarrassed. This was wonderful, in a painful way. Thank you!

[fiercelynormal.livejournal.com]

Such a beautiful, hurty fic. Loved this so much! <3

[quickreaver.livejournal.com]

Wow, what an inventive spin! And damned good too. Well played, you!

[deirdre-c.livejournal.com]

Awesome! A wonderful antidote to S8!

And this: Sam wraps his hands around his head just to have something to cling to as he falls into the abyss.

*loves*

[equally-dour.livejournal.com]

*cries for a thousand years*

[ephermeralk.livejournal.com]

eeeeee.

THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY.

[cleflink.livejournal.com]

Definitely better than canon. The ache inside Sam was even more tangible for how he had an 'and yet' to try and fill the gap left behind by Dean, but it was never going to be enough.

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

What an ingenious and insightful spin to season 8 - I love what you did here, it fits perfectly! Thank you for sharing :)

[ivory-angel99.livejournal.com]

OMG, this is so completely gorgeous and a perfectly viable explanation for Sam not looking for Dean when he was in Purgatory. The idea makes so much sense that I can't believe I haven't thought of it before. The way this was written, the imagery that is just so vivid you have to keep going back to it... beautiful beautiful beautiful. My words will never be enough to explain how much I love this.

[riyku.livejournal.com]

Crazy beautiful. I love how fragmented it is, all snapshots and constant longing, how Dean is omnipresent, always right there in the background. Fantastic!

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Oh! I need a moment to absorb this... I think you just managed to add a deeper layer of tragedy to their story, and who'd have thought that was even possible?

[staythenight.livejournal.com]

Oh this is absolutely everything.

[soulmatecest.livejournal.com]

This was ten thousand times better than canon. I will only accept this from now on. Sam noticing the little differences between Jensen and Dean, like the trail of his freckles [clutches chest] oh how do you enjoy hurting me, dear author (that I suspect who you are but *puts on sunglasses* I will wait for reveals day)

For a moment I thought Jensen had some horrible past about the love of his life, Jared, dying very young and that's why he doesn't do relationships anymore, but that's just me loving the pain. AND THEN YOU DELIVER THAT PAIN WITH THE LAST PART. DAMN, SHOULD HAD SEEN IT COMING.

"Thinks of his brother's face that was not his face but was the only face that Sam had left"

The pain this produced me was delicious. What a wonderful story <3333 I also really understand Sam over there with his staring. I would do the same thing!

[tipsy-kitty.livejournal.com]

ooh, so sad and compelling! I really liked this.

[glovered.livejournal.com]

I am so in love with this fic, I can't even explain.

There are no salt lines in his path.

No, not Sam's brother at all, and yet.

D: D: I love how this questions the partial story we got from when Dean was away. This is so lovely.