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spn_springflingTitle: Scarred and All Alone
Pairing: Sam/Cas
Rating: PG
Any warnings: Spoilers for Season 6 through "Unforgiven"
Written by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ghostwriter056 for de_nugis!
"Dean, I'm coming with you," There was a certain desperation in Sam's voice that seemed totally misplaced in a guy who hadn't slept in a year. He still looked utterly exhausted and, sure, Dean had to stop Crowley from getting any closer to opening Purgatory, but he wasn't going to risk Sam, not again.
"No, you need to stay here and catch up on your beauty sleep," Dean picked up his weapons bag. "You're dead on your feet already. It's too much of a risk. Think of it as payback for that time in Montana when I had the flu and you locked me inside a bathroom so I wouldn't hunt."
"You had a 103 fever. I took you to the hospital when I got back. We hunt tired all the time!" Sam grabbed onto Dean's arm. "Please, don't leave me here."
"Sam, nothing bad is going to happen. Cas is here. He's a great post-Hell nap partner. Not that you should be having bad dreams anyway, but whatever you're scared of, he's good at keeping it away."
"Not that good," Sam mumbled too softly for anyone to hear.
Dean was done arguing. Sam was staying and that was that. Sam offered to just drive the getaway car, but Dean was hearing none of it.
"I don't want you going alone. Take Cas!" Sam pleaded. Dean just shook his head convinced that Sam was just exhausted and acting like an idiot for that reason. He was glad to have an idiot brother back rather than no brother at all anyway.
"Cas stays. I'm going. Get some damn sleep, Sammy."
Calling him Sammy was always a good argument ender. Even when Sam used to insist he call him Sam, hearing Sammy was like a reminder of all those times Dean took care of him as a kid. He sighed and nodded and let Dean leave.
Sam laid down on the bed farthest from where Castiel was sitting. He closed his eyes and counted to one hundred hoping he'd be asleep by the time he was finished, but really less than two minutes had passed and he started again.
"Are you angry with me because I told you what you did without your soul?" Cas broke the silence. "You did trick me into that admission."
"I know. I'm not...mad," Sam mumbled. He pulled his knees up to his chest, trying to make himself smaller. That wasn't a particularly easy feat for him.
"Then there is the matter of your return. I attempted to hug you and you...You do not seem to shy away from contact with anyone else. I believed us to be friends. I thought that was how friends showed affection," Castiel showed no sign of shutting up.
"It is. Can't you just read my mind or whatever? I'm supposed to be sleeping."
Sam tried to ignore the sound of Cas moving around the room, the creaky floor boards were pretty hard to ignore. The weight of Castiel sitting down beside Sam on the bed was even harder to ignore. Sam fought the urge to run, to hide. He took a deep breath and turned over to look at Castiel. There eyes met and Cas tilted his head to the side, looking deeper than anyone else could.
"You're afraid of angels. You're afraid of me. Sam..." Cas touched his shoulder, but Sam flinched away. Cas frowned. "Why?"
Castiel couldn't find the answer in his head not without making contact.
"I don't know," Sam admitted, tears pricked his eyes. Castiel's fingers twitched as he fought the urge to touch him. "Maybe it's from having Lucifer inside of me. Maybe it's from the cage. Dean'll kill me if I start poking the wall to figure it out."
Sam had never been afraid for no reason. He'd been freaked out by hunts or injuries, but that was certainly reason enough. He knew the angels had done bad things to him, but he felt ridiculous for being scared to be around Castiel.
"I can put you to sleep. You will not dream about Lucifer or anything else. But I must touch you to do it."
"O-okay," Sam swallowed hard. Castiel was solemn as he pressed two fingers to Sam's forehead. He watched the youngest Winchester sleep bothered by how pained he had looked at such a simple touch.
Dean came back before morning. Castiel was sitting on the empty bed looking more serious than normal.
"Sam is asleep. He should stay that way for some time."
"You whammied him," Dean said with a nod. Cas stood up looking defensive. "No, man, it's good. I woulda asked, but I thought Sam would get pissed. He needs to sleep."
"He does," Cas gave a stiff nod. "You should not ask me to babysit. I have...Things to attend to."
Castiel disappeared before Dean could so much as apologize or thank him.
Sam only caught a glimpse of Hell during his seizure. A tiny little crack in the wall that was going to lead nowhere good. Sam was smart. He knew what tiny cracks could do to things. As much as Sam needed to atone for what he'd done, he didn't want to risk seeing any more of that. He hadn't just seen it. He'd felt it. Fire. He knew implicitly that Michael was the one who was all about fire. Lucifer preferred burning cold. He could still feel it. It was all he could think about and...
"Hello, Sam," Castiel's voice startled Sam. Sam jumped at his voice.
"Cas, fuck," He swallowed hard trying to compose himself. "Dean's not here."
"I came to speak with you. I heard you...Praying," Cas shrugged.
"I didn't ask you to come."
"No," Castiel avoided looking directly at Sam. "You did, however, mention God quite a bit. Oh my God and Please, God, make it stop. Those do count as prayers. The Host can hear them. Mostly we tune them out in favor of prayers directed to us, but...I can pick out voices I choose to hear."
"Awesome angel lesson there, Cas," Sam carded his fingers through his hair, pushing it away from his face. "It was just..." His throat felt tight. "A figure of speech."
"I can't take it. It hurts so bad. Are those also figures of speech?" Castiel pressed. He stepped toward Sam. The angel was already closer than Sam was comfortable with. "I'm here to offer comfort, such that I can."
Despite being a nerdy guy with wings, Castiel didn't exactly exude comfort to Sam before his Hell-induced angel phobia. He closed in on Sam's personal space and held onto Sam's forearms. Sam squirmed a little wanting to get away.
"You do not have to fear me. I find that I do not want you to fear me,” Cas wasn't sure what he was supposed to do with that. He'd watched Sam sleeping the night before as he once watched Dean, but he'd felt something more. He had been assigned to Dean, had been told to manage his nightmares and bring him around to the angels' side. That had changed, of course, but with Sam, Cas had no reason to watch him at all. He'd learned while falling during the Apocalypse that one did not need a reason for such things, but it was still unsettling.
“Look...I just can't...If you keep touching me, I'm gonna start remembering stuff and everyone keeps telling me how bad that would be.”
Cas's lips pulled into a tight line as he thought about what Sam was saying. It was true that memories of Hell could kill him. Castiel dropped Sam's arms. Sam breathed a sigh of relief, but tensed again as Cas's hands settled on either side of his face.
“Close your eyes, Sam.”
“What? No! Cas –“
“Listen to me,” Castiel commanded. Sam swallowed hard. It was an easy bet that Michael and Lucifer had tossed around orders as well. “You cannot look beyond the wall in your head without doing yourself irreparable damage. I am not limited by such notions. Close your eyes.”
Sam nodded a little. Castiel's touch didn't burn as much as he thought it did at first. It took only a moment for Castiel to gauge every terrible atrocity done to Sam in hell. Cas had been equally well skilled in forms of torture the Host deemed necessary for angels to know. It was worse than Castiel ever imagined.
“W-what did you see?”
“You were protecting your half brother. You let them hurt you to protect Adam,” Castiel moved his hands away. “Your soul...”
“It's damaged. I know, you told me remember? Warned Dean...”
“No, Sam, I was...I was wrong,” Cas swallowed against tears. Observing humans had once had this effect on him all the time, before wars and end times and falling. They were capable of so much, more than most of the Host gave them credit for. “Your soul it's beautiful.”
“What?”
“The things it has withstood, they are unfathomable and yet...” Castiel trailed off. He didn't have words to explain it. Castiel kissed Sam, overcome by the things he had seen in Sam's head, things Sam didn't even know had happened to him. He pulled back his forehead pressed to Sam's.
“Cas...”
“Do not fear me, Sam. I find it...unpleasant,” Castiel confessed before pressing one more kiss to Sam's lips. Sam kissed him back this time.
“I'll try. I really, really wanna try.”
Pairing: Sam/Cas
Rating: PG
Any warnings: Spoilers for Season 6 through "Unforgiven"
Written by
ghostwriter056 for de_nugis!"Dean, I'm coming with you," There was a certain desperation in Sam's voice that seemed totally misplaced in a guy who hadn't slept in a year. He still looked utterly exhausted and, sure, Dean had to stop Crowley from getting any closer to opening Purgatory, but he wasn't going to risk Sam, not again.
"No, you need to stay here and catch up on your beauty sleep," Dean picked up his weapons bag. "You're dead on your feet already. It's too much of a risk. Think of it as payback for that time in Montana when I had the flu and you locked me inside a bathroom so I wouldn't hunt."
"You had a 103 fever. I took you to the hospital when I got back. We hunt tired all the time!" Sam grabbed onto Dean's arm. "Please, don't leave me here."
"Sam, nothing bad is going to happen. Cas is here. He's a great post-Hell nap partner. Not that you should be having bad dreams anyway, but whatever you're scared of, he's good at keeping it away."
"Not that good," Sam mumbled too softly for anyone to hear.
Dean was done arguing. Sam was staying and that was that. Sam offered to just drive the getaway car, but Dean was hearing none of it.
"I don't want you going alone. Take Cas!" Sam pleaded. Dean just shook his head convinced that Sam was just exhausted and acting like an idiot for that reason. He was glad to have an idiot brother back rather than no brother at all anyway.
"Cas stays. I'm going. Get some damn sleep, Sammy."
Calling him Sammy was always a good argument ender. Even when Sam used to insist he call him Sam, hearing Sammy was like a reminder of all those times Dean took care of him as a kid. He sighed and nodded and let Dean leave.
Sam laid down on the bed farthest from where Castiel was sitting. He closed his eyes and counted to one hundred hoping he'd be asleep by the time he was finished, but really less than two minutes had passed and he started again.
"Are you angry with me because I told you what you did without your soul?" Cas broke the silence. "You did trick me into that admission."
"I know. I'm not...mad," Sam mumbled. He pulled his knees up to his chest, trying to make himself smaller. That wasn't a particularly easy feat for him.
"Then there is the matter of your return. I attempted to hug you and you...You do not seem to shy away from contact with anyone else. I believed us to be friends. I thought that was how friends showed affection," Castiel showed no sign of shutting up.
"It is. Can't you just read my mind or whatever? I'm supposed to be sleeping."
Sam tried to ignore the sound of Cas moving around the room, the creaky floor boards were pretty hard to ignore. The weight of Castiel sitting down beside Sam on the bed was even harder to ignore. Sam fought the urge to run, to hide. He took a deep breath and turned over to look at Castiel. There eyes met and Cas tilted his head to the side, looking deeper than anyone else could.
"You're afraid of angels. You're afraid of me. Sam..." Cas touched his shoulder, but Sam flinched away. Cas frowned. "Why?"
Castiel couldn't find the answer in his head not without making contact.
"I don't know," Sam admitted, tears pricked his eyes. Castiel's fingers twitched as he fought the urge to touch him. "Maybe it's from having Lucifer inside of me. Maybe it's from the cage. Dean'll kill me if I start poking the wall to figure it out."
Sam had never been afraid for no reason. He'd been freaked out by hunts or injuries, but that was certainly reason enough. He knew the angels had done bad things to him, but he felt ridiculous for being scared to be around Castiel.
"I can put you to sleep. You will not dream about Lucifer or anything else. But I must touch you to do it."
"O-okay," Sam swallowed hard. Castiel was solemn as he pressed two fingers to Sam's forehead. He watched the youngest Winchester sleep bothered by how pained he had looked at such a simple touch.
Dean came back before morning. Castiel was sitting on the empty bed looking more serious than normal.
"Sam is asleep. He should stay that way for some time."
"You whammied him," Dean said with a nod. Cas stood up looking defensive. "No, man, it's good. I woulda asked, but I thought Sam would get pissed. He needs to sleep."
"He does," Cas gave a stiff nod. "You should not ask me to babysit. I have...Things to attend to."
Castiel disappeared before Dean could so much as apologize or thank him.
Sam only caught a glimpse of Hell during his seizure. A tiny little crack in the wall that was going to lead nowhere good. Sam was smart. He knew what tiny cracks could do to things. As much as Sam needed to atone for what he'd done, he didn't want to risk seeing any more of that. He hadn't just seen it. He'd felt it. Fire. He knew implicitly that Michael was the one who was all about fire. Lucifer preferred burning cold. He could still feel it. It was all he could think about and...
"Hello, Sam," Castiel's voice startled Sam. Sam jumped at his voice.
"Cas, fuck," He swallowed hard trying to compose himself. "Dean's not here."
"I came to speak with you. I heard you...Praying," Cas shrugged.
"I didn't ask you to come."
"No," Castiel avoided looking directly at Sam. "You did, however, mention God quite a bit. Oh my God and Please, God, make it stop. Those do count as prayers. The Host can hear them. Mostly we tune them out in favor of prayers directed to us, but...I can pick out voices I choose to hear."
"Awesome angel lesson there, Cas," Sam carded his fingers through his hair, pushing it away from his face. "It was just..." His throat felt tight. "A figure of speech."
"I can't take it. It hurts so bad. Are those also figures of speech?" Castiel pressed. He stepped toward Sam. The angel was already closer than Sam was comfortable with. "I'm here to offer comfort, such that I can."
Despite being a nerdy guy with wings, Castiel didn't exactly exude comfort to Sam before his Hell-induced angel phobia. He closed in on Sam's personal space and held onto Sam's forearms. Sam squirmed a little wanting to get away.
"You do not have to fear me. I find that I do not want you to fear me,” Cas wasn't sure what he was supposed to do with that. He'd watched Sam sleeping the night before as he once watched Dean, but he'd felt something more. He had been assigned to Dean, had been told to manage his nightmares and bring him around to the angels' side. That had changed, of course, but with Sam, Cas had no reason to watch him at all. He'd learned while falling during the Apocalypse that one did not need a reason for such things, but it was still unsettling.
“Look...I just can't...If you keep touching me, I'm gonna start remembering stuff and everyone keeps telling me how bad that would be.”
Cas's lips pulled into a tight line as he thought about what Sam was saying. It was true that memories of Hell could kill him. Castiel dropped Sam's arms. Sam breathed a sigh of relief, but tensed again as Cas's hands settled on either side of his face.
“Close your eyes, Sam.”
“What? No! Cas –“
“Listen to me,” Castiel commanded. Sam swallowed hard. It was an easy bet that Michael and Lucifer had tossed around orders as well. “You cannot look beyond the wall in your head without doing yourself irreparable damage. I am not limited by such notions. Close your eyes.”
Sam nodded a little. Castiel's touch didn't burn as much as he thought it did at first. It took only a moment for Castiel to gauge every terrible atrocity done to Sam in hell. Cas had been equally well skilled in forms of torture the Host deemed necessary for angels to know. It was worse than Castiel ever imagined.
“W-what did you see?”
“You were protecting your half brother. You let them hurt you to protect Adam,” Castiel moved his hands away. “Your soul...”
“It's damaged. I know, you told me remember? Warned Dean...”
“No, Sam, I was...I was wrong,” Cas swallowed against tears. Observing humans had once had this effect on him all the time, before wars and end times and falling. They were capable of so much, more than most of the Host gave them credit for. “Your soul it's beautiful.”
“What?”
“The things it has withstood, they are unfathomable and yet...” Castiel trailed off. He didn't have words to explain it. Castiel kissed Sam, overcome by the things he had seen in Sam's head, things Sam didn't even know had happened to him. He pulled back his forehead pressed to Sam's.
“Cas...”
“Do not fear me, Sam. I find it...unpleasant,” Castiel confessed before pressing one more kiss to Sam's lips. Sam kissed him back this time.
“I'll try. I really, really wanna try.”
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Date: 2011-06-02 07:55 pm (UTC)Thank you!
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